I decided to embrace my role and Googled the term househusband. One of the first things I saw was a link to a Daily Mail article: 'You Can Never Fancy a Man Who Becomes a House Husband.' Apparently, pink marigolds on men are a turn-off, unless you like that sort of thing (there are probably websites).
At first I had trouble adjusting to the sudden change. I was used to being the breadwinner (albeit a very cheap loaf of Kingsmill sliced white) and felt as if I had somehow let the side down. However, I was hardly idle. On an average morning, I took my sons to their schools, popped over to my office to deal with any book orders, did some food shopping, then drove home and began cleaning the house.
I valued my wife's work when she stayed at home, so why did I feel at such a loss? Gender conditioning, I suppose.
In spite of this, I was happy for my wife. She seemed to be doing very well in her new job and came home energised and full of gossip. My anecdotes were rather more mundane: "I cleaned the oven, but I'm not using Mr Muscle again."
Fortunately, I have started to get a more balanced perspective on the situation and accept that even if my current existence is very dull, it is entirely necessary. Those ovens won't clean themselves.
There has also been another change during the last month. My mother has suddenly become very frail and is increasingly dependent on me, both practically and emotionally.
The practical side is easy. I don't mind buying the Werther's Originals or dealing with the bills from Damart, but the emotional support is more challenging, as my mother can be relentlessly morbid to a point where I leave feeling thoroughly depressed. However, I know that when someone is virtually housebound, they need constant visits.
At least I will no longer hear about Vera's leg, which my mother would describe in graphic detail before I pleaded with her to stop. Vera is now in Florida with her daughter, for a long holiday. "She won't be coming back," my mother said, with barely-concealed relish.
Sometimes I can feel my mood sliding. When that happens, unless it's absolutely pissing down outside, I go for a walk. Being in the fresh air, smelling the damp earth and feeling the pale winter sun, clears away the cobwebs and puts everything in perspective. I don't what I'd do if I lived in Neasden. Perhaps I'd go to Ikea and pretend I lived in one of the rooms.
These photos were taken during the last few weeks. I particularly like the one of a hat, which is a lost property item in Berwick Church. There's a story behind that picture.
36 comments:
Looks as if you live in a great-looking place, Steerforth. A walk 'round that area must do you the world of good. Is the first photo of the view outside your window?
Beautiful photos.
Kid - I wish it was. My view is nothing like it, although I can see the Downs from my back garden if I crane my neck.
Anon - Many thanks.
You take such beautiful and evocative photographs. Isn't there a market for them? Couldn't you write a book? Confessions of a House Husband? Wanders in the World?
I've become a housewife after forty years working outside the home, excepting the fact that since my husband and I have our own business, I worked at home for most of that time. As we retire, easing off on the business, I find myself feeling both resentful and guilty. I'm not sure how to resolve either of those issues. Maybe it just takes time.
Beautiful photos.
I think you are suffering from something that we have also endured. The ability of the older person to suck the life blood from you emotionally. They are recharged and you are left spent, albeit only for a while. There is no answer, you just need to make sure you do manage to recharge yourself ready for the next visit.
It is amazing how conditioned we all are to not value housework. Also, we are conditioned to measure people (including ourselves) by our occupation.
I'm sorry that looking after your mother is so draining. But you should be re-filled by your wonderful photographs!
Joan - I'd find it difficult to write a book after years of seeing what happens to most of the ones that are published.
As far as tge transition to retirement goes, would doing any courses help ease the process? I met a friend the other week who struggled to adapt and began doing courses. She's now addicted (and very knowledgeable).
Paff - You are absolutely right. It's like a transfusion. When I leave, my mother always says how much I've cheered her up, unaware that after an hour or so of listening to anecdotes about illness and general gloom, I feel like topping myself. I've tried talking about the things I've been up to, but she show no interest in anything I do. As you say, there is no answer.
Helena - Yes, we do tend to measure people by their occupation. I remember a dinner where I was sitting next to a woman who asked me what I did. I told her and she and was all over me for the next half hour. Then I realised that she'd misheard me and explained that no, I didn't run the Science Museum, just their bookshop. At that point, she turned her back and didn't utter another word for the whole evening. Extraordinary - and rude. But so many people are like that, which is why retirement must be hard for people who have high status jobs.
Sorry for the above typos. I shouldn't write replies on my phone.
" I don't what I'd do if I lived in Neasden. Perhaps I'd go to Ikea and pretend I lived in one of the rooms." Your posts always bring a smile to my face (and the photos are lovely).
I have a house-husband and he's mostly happy with it apart from getting a bit stir crazy sometimes. As for your mother - I have a needy mother and an ancient and demanding mother-in-law - sometimes the thought of a desert island is very appealing....
kaggsysbookishramblings
Kaggsy - a desert island for you or them?
I have parents who are both in their mid-nineties and I visit them nearly every day. I love them dearly, but it's hard. Much the most difficult thing I've had to deal with.
It's difficult to understand a world where making sure that the bin is put out on the right day is a sleepless night worry, where having the exact change to pay the window cleaner is important, where this brand of beans (in stock) cannot be accepted over that brand of beans (not in stock), and where the prescription has to be put in a week before the pharmacy will actually accept it.
I'll understand it one day because I'll be doing and saying all these things too.
Letterslive - I suppose I get it, because I watched my parents' world shrink as my father's health deteriorated and saw how trivial concerns assumed a growing significance. But it is maddening.
Those are excellent photos, but I'm curious.. Did you put a blue filter on them?
We were in the UK for 2 weeks in early December and didn't see any blue skies. Maybe it was because we were in London nearly the whole time... (loved it, and can't wait to come over again, but it's too far away from Melbourne to do often - and expensive).
Re the house husband thing.... Haven't been one of those though I have been a fulltime housewife, a full time paid employee, and for the past 14 years part-time at both. I find the latter the best option, as you always have an escape from one role into the other just when you need it.. Housewifery doesn't include much oven cleaning for me though ... as my husband says "it's clean dirt"... (being raised to high temperatures so reguarly, he means)
So glad to see an update. As someone who was unable to go anywhere alone ( anxiety/agraphobia) for about three years in my teens, my heart goes out to you and your family. I'm glad your son is now leaving the house and I hope he's been able to settle into his new school. It seems like a huge step forward from where he was.
I've been slowly working my way through your blog (thank you for some good belly laughs along the way) and must say your restoration of old photos is particularly impressive! I really think you could make some income from your talents in that area if you put out some feelers.
I really think you should submit your stories to competitions for short stories, magazines, forget the book. I agree with you re books. But there is money to be won. Love your photos too and they should be submitted also. There is a lot of money going around for photos also.
Glad you're still online and I love hearing about your days and seeing the country side. I am doing a road trip with a friend in September for a couple of weeks in Cornwall area, one of the few areas we've not had a good look at then off to Ireland, Your pictures make me realise how much fun we'll have. All the best.
Ange - Those were genuine blue skies - I think you were just unlucky with the weather. It has been a predominantly grey, gloomy winter this year, but spring and summer were lovely so I can't complain. Re: oven cleaning - I've always disliked the smell of greasy ovens, so I think I've become a bit obsessive about it, but some of those oven cleaners are so strong it feels like a chemical warfare attack. Mr Muscle should supply a breathing mask with their cans of oven cleaner spray.
Polly - I'm so sorry to read that you suffered from this at a time when you should have been enjoying life to the full. It's such a debilitating condition. My son has improved and goes to his new school without making a fuss. This is because the whole school is geared towards "high functioning children with learning disabilities" and he's no longer the odd one out. Nearly every child has been through hell before they end up there, so I think it's a huge relief to no longer feel like the odd one out.
Pam - I'd love to explore Cornwall, but this year I'm hoping to explore the north of England - somewhere I know next to nothing about. It seems absurd that I've visited the Chilean Lake District but haven't got round to the English one. I hope you have a lovely time. Ireland is another place that I'd love to know better. I went there once for an hour, but that's another story.
I won't point out that there are now things called self cleaning ovens. Oh, whoops ...
I was just boring my husband on the subject of how I've noticed that no one has a problem wth a woman staying home to look after the children (except some working women who feel insecure about their own decisions) but the various men I've met here who have graciously stepped out of the way so that their wives can pursue their careers appear to feel the need to self justify and make it clear that they aren't kept men. It isn't fair but I don't think we've really acknowledged that all roles should be available to both genders, that bread winning isn't the measure of the man.
Zoe - When our current oven expires, I'll make sure that the next one is self-cleaning. As far as gender roles go, it is absurd how some men still feel they have to justify themselves for letting their wife's career take precedence, particularly when it's an increasingly common phenomenon. At parties, I've developed a more tentative way of asking men of my age what they do because I realised that I was opening a can of worms: "Well I used to be...but then I realised I'd had enough/our company was taken over...and now I'm just doing a bit of freelance while my wife...". I find myself adopting the same apologetic, self-justifying tone, which is ridiculous. Particularly as I'm still running my book business.
Zoe..Thanks for saying what I think (but not smart enough to write it so succinctly.
Philip.I am sure your efforts with your mother are a labour of love and that you feel honoured to pay a little back for her past parenting. I have made you a badge to wear.
Enid
Thanks Lucy. I'm not sure how I feel, but I do know that I can't do anything else.
Shades of Ravilious........
I don't think self cleaning ovens actually work, by the way.
Also, at the risk of,sounding sickeningly sentimental, I reckon any time spent with one's children is better spent than going to an office, even though the pay is nil - or less, depending on whether you stray into a shop or similar while in their company
The trouble with daily life is that it's so damned daily, as a psychologist friend of mine used to point out.
It's taken me a long time to come to terms with not going out to work, but now that i've gotten used to it, I rather like it. If the house is reasonably tidy, I can always sit down and read my book. Nobody's going to check the oven anyway, so if I don't do it today, it'll wait.
BTW, regading ZMKC's comment about self-cleaning ovens -- I find that they do work, but they work by burning off the gunk inside the oven, which means they'll smoke, and then you'll either set off the smoke alarm or have to open a window, which is damned chilly in the winter time. I've also learned that it's amazing how dirty an oven can be and still turn out a perfectly acceptable cake or pan of lasgana!
And with that rather embarrassing comment on my housekeeping skills, I will close for now. xoxo Carol
It's great that your son's doing so much better Steerforth! It is debilitating!
As for those lost years, believe me, I more than made up for them once I was back on track! Went four years to college and eventually emigrated over here to the US, served in the US army and saw the world. Had lots of adventures and met my wonderful husband. Actually, our own son struggles with OCD.
If it's of any help to your son, I started by daring myself to walk to the lamp post at the end of our street and back. Then the next lamp and the next. It was absolutely terrifying and slow going but extremely empowering. The army was a piece of cake compared to getting to that first lamp post. Tell him we're rooting for him and hoping the world will open up for him so that he can follow his passions.
I'm not convinced that it's only men who feel the need to justify being 'househusbands' - many housewives have done the same thing for years, constantly calling for a woman's contribution to be recognized as equally as valid as going out to work. At one time (long ago), it was a man's role to go out and earn the moolah to provide for the family, and it was a woman's role to nurture the kids and look after the house. It was done out of love on both sides, and both sides appreciated the contribution of the other, viewing each other as equals. It seems to me that it wasn't until some militant feminists planted the idea that being a housewife was a life of drudgery and servitude, and a symbol of subjugation that women started to feel undervalued in their role as housewives. Of course, going out to work down a mine every day was a holiday for the men, and no doubt they had a jolly time doing not much at all.
Anna - The local countryside is very Ravilious at this time of year - a bleak beauty.
Zoe - I couldn't agree more. My wife was packed off to her grandparents at the age of nine, so we have always been determined that one of us would always be available for the boys. They seem to take it for granted, which is probably a good thing. However, my older son did recently say that he loves his home and he doesn't care if we don't have much money, which was nice to hear.
Carol - You're right about the ovens, but I can't stand the smell of burning grease and am a little obsessive about it. In fact I hate all smells and have a constant battle with my wife over whether the windows are open or shut. I don't know who's winning.
Polly - My first thought was how big a leap you made from being having your life limited by OCD to ending up in the army. But on reflection, I suppose army life can also give a reassuring structure and security (when you're not in the firing line), while also providing the challenges that anyone with OCD needs. I'm so glad that things have worked out well for you.
Kid - You're right - there wasn't the same angst when working class families were just doing everything they could to survive. But I suppose when labour-saving devices appeared and new opportunities for education arose, that model no longer worked. There was also the attraction of an extra income, which raised living standards for a while until house prices rose to the point where now, in many families, both parents are forced to work whether they want to or not.
It's a pity that in fighting for women's rights in the workplace, some people undervalued those women who chose to stay at home and raise children. Surely it should be a matter of choice and we should respect whetever decision a woman makes, as long as it's for the right reasons. In an ideal world, it shouldn't be all or nothing, for men or women. Now I'm rambling without really thinking it through, so I'll stop.
Love pix - I was down there on Sunday! Beautiful views from the train, and amazing light bouncing off the sea. Housewife/husband is a noble calling. I do my own cooking and housework, always have, but since it's just for me it doesn't seem to count in anybody's calculations. Just remembering a book I was once GIVEN, as a PRESENT, called "Easy Cooking for One or Two". If you ever come across a copy, please burn it ritually.
Lucy - I'll burn it after I've burned 'One is Fun', which was recommended to a customer of mine whose wife had just died.
You can buy black rubber gloves in Tesco superstore!
Seriously though, sorry to hear your mum is slowing down. It's funny how timing in life can work out though. She is frail at the very point that you have flexibility to be with her. Oliver had that last year when his Dad was ill (sadly his final illness). While worried about how our business was going, he also blessed the fact that he could keep nipping up to Oxford as and when and doing his bit for his dad.
As for being a house-husband, that is just as valuable as any other role in life. Those silly moos in the Daily Mail are just desperate for new topics to write about, possibly at the expense of their marriages in due course. Then we'll be subjected to reams of newsprint about how very lonely they are and how they can't find a decent man who meets all their exacting criteria.
Anyway, you are also a writer, photographer and business owner. Now THAT's multi-tasking!
Laura - I took the Daily Mail article with a large pinch of salt, particularly when I saw the photo of the couple concerned! But there is a small inner voice inside me that believes that nonsense.
Though I've read your post before, I keep coming back to it. Your photos are wonderful! Have you ever thought about trying to sell them as greeting cards, or to a company that prints post cards, or something like that? Or even just enlarging some of the prints and hanging them in a local gallery? I know there would be some expenses involved in getting all this set up, and perhaps some copyright issues, but with your marketing background, I'll bet you could do it. And I bet people would buy them too. That way you could stay home and still make a bit of cash on the side. xoxox Carol
It is very sad that we all judge ourselves so harshly. If a chap is at home or a lady is at work, if we buy ready meals or cook from scratch....every decision we make is there for us to judge and for us to think how others might judge. I think we just need to all be kinder to ourselves. Maybe National Geographic will spot your gorgeous photos and ask you to contribute to their next issue :-) I second Canadian Chickadee's comment....get some made into cards, they are wonderful.
Thank you Carol and SmallP for your kind comments about the photos. My photos don't have the right resolution for any commercial use and I think I still have a lot to learn before I reach the standard of some of the people I see on Instagram, but I'm taking it more seriously now and have started using a high res DSLR as well as my cameraphone. If I keep practicing, I'll hopefully get there.
You're more than half way there already, because you have an artist's eye. xoxox Carol
Two things come to mind: 1. Have you read The Homemaker by Dorothy Canfield Fisher? Great vintage look at how one couple is happier when they swap roles. 2. You must track down the documentary called Finding Vivian Maier. It is an amazing story about a nanny who left behind thousands of negatives and rolls of undeveloped film that of really stunning street photography. I think you would like it on many levels. In the US it is streaming on Netflix. Not sure what your options would be in the UK.
No, I haven't read The Homemaker, but will keep an eye out for a cheap copy - it looks just my cup of tea. As far as the documentary goes, it's not on the UK Netflix (which is largely full of rubbish), so I will have to ask my son to acquire it. I read an article about her and it sounds a fascinating story, so thanks for the recommendations.
Post a Comment