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I was sitting on a London bus listening to the ethereal harmonies of an Edmund Rubbra symphony when I was disturbed by a loud voice. This shouldn't have happened. I had spent serious money on a pair of 'fontopic' headphones that were supposed to seal you off from the outside world. I can only assume that the designers hadn't anticipated the two women sitting a couple of rows behind me.

I turned round and saw two fat women with long, greasy pony tails, wearing Primark leisure wear. At first glance they looked as if they were in their 30s but looking again, they were clearly in their 20s. I went to replace the headphones and whack up the volume, but once I started listening to them I couldn't stop. They were talking about food, working each other up into a frenzy. Here is a word for word transcript of their conversation:

'PIES! PIES! PIES! STEAK AND KIDNEY, CHICKEN AND MUSHROOM...PIES!'
'Name three types of sponge pudding'
'OH THAT'S EASY!' came the scornful reply, 'SPOTTED DICK, JAM SPONGE AND TREACLE PUDDING.'
'And three types of sauce?'
'CUSTARD! CUSTARD! CUSTARD!'