The Mother of Invention - A Guide to Genteel Poverty

There was a time when my wife and I were able to enjoy meals out and foreign holidays without having to watch every penny we spent. I think it was 1998. Then we ruined it all by having children, one of whom made it impossible for my wife to return to work.

Since then, our household income has been pitifully small. However, in some ways our years of genteel poverty have been a very positive experience and I've learned some useful lessons that have made me realise how much money I used to waste.

Whether you're poor or just simply mean, I'll think you'll find some of my top tips useful:

1. The Mighty Teaspoon

During a brief period of solvency - I think somebody must have died - I had window blinds installed throughout the house. I wanted curtains, but my wife said that they were 'common'. Within a few months, one of the fittings for a blind came out of the wall, taking a huge chunk of plaster with it, leaving a hole.

I needed a way of keeping the blind up until I had time to replaster the wall, but the hole was too large for screws or nails. Then, in a flash of inspiration, I realised that a teaspoon was the answer to all my problems. The long end would fit tightly into the hole and the upward curve of the spoon end would stop the pole of the blind sliding off.

It worked so well, I didn't bother to repair the wall for two years.


2. The Eco Ball

If you already use these, you'll know how wonderful they are.  Instead of using washing powder and selecting a one-hour cycle, you can wash your clothes by using two of these in a short rinse cycle. They save a fortune in washing powder and also use far less water and electricity.

I won't bore you with the science, but cheesy socks will smell like a meadow after a mere 15 minutes of washing. I will never buy Bold again.


3. The Powerline Adapter

This wonderful little device uses your home's electrical wiring system to send internet data from your router to devices in other rooms. I wanted to watch BBC iPlayer programmes on my ordinary television without having to spend a fortune on a home cinema system or a contract with Sky (Boo! Murdoch!) or Virgin (Tony Blair with a beard), so I bought a couple of these and now enjoy a good quality picture and connection without any additional expense.

4. The Broken Blind

My lovely new blinds, all installed by Hillarys, broke rather too quickly. It seemed ridiculous to have to buy a whole new blind just because the cord was broken, but what could I do?

Then I had an idea:

The cords of these blinds are nearly always synthetic, so I set fire to each end, quickly blew the flames out before the smoke alarm went off and pressed the two molten ends together. As they cooled down, they formed a solid bond which hasn't broken in several years.

I would also recommend Lego for blinds, which comes in many shapes and sizes and, when used with superglue, can effectively repair broken plastic fittings.


5. The Tester Pot

If you have a small bathroom and want to paint a wall the same colour, don't waste money on a £20 pot of paint. Just buy two or three tester pots and that should be all you need. I painted our bathroom for the grand sum of £3.


6. The Carpet Offcut

Unless you live in a huge house, you can usually find a tasteful offcut that will fit the dimensions of your room. I had a new pure wool carpet professionally installed in our sitting room for under £100.

7. The Double-Ended Jack

Assuming that you have some cheap audio software, if you plug one end of the lead into your headphone socket and the other into the one for the microphone, you can record anything on the internet and turn it into an MP3 file. It's like taping something - remember that?

These are just a few of the many money-saving ideas I've discovered and whenever anything breaks, I ask myself one basic question:

"Does it really need to be replaced? Does it even need to be repaired, or will a teaspoon do until around 2017?"

You'd be amazed at the number of times the answer is a teaspoon.

A Different Tune

I've just returned from Rye, where I met an old friend for a drink.

Twelve years ago he was living around the corner from my flat in Twickenham, earning a fortune in business publishing, but hating every minute of his working day. Then one day he decided he'd had enough, sold his flat for £120,000 and bought another on the Kent coast for £60,000, using the balance to pay off his mortgage.

He's never had a 'proper' job since, and seems much happier for it.

Last year he was invited to audition for a French punk-folk band (he is a violinist) and phoned to book a seat as a foot passenger on a cross-channel ferry. "I'm sorry," he was told, "but we don't accept foot passengers any more, only people with vehicles. You'll have to pay the car rate, which is £60".

My friend slammed the phone down in disgust, lit a cigarette and fumed. Then he had an idea and redialled the number:

"You said I had to pay for a vehicle. If I came by bicycle, how much would that cost?"

"£10".

Two weeks later, my friend was the sole cyclist in a slowly moving queue of cars and lorries at Dover's docks, congratulating himself for his moral victory over mindless bureaucracy. The band were apparently waiting for him in Calais, so he decided to spend the hour-long crossing relaxing in the bar.

With five minutes left until the ferry docked, my friend made his way down to the vehicle hold and unchained his bicycle. Soon, he could hear the sound of chains moving and ramps descending, followed by the hissing of hydraulic brakes as the lorries began to edge forward. He quickly phoned one of the band members to find out where he needed to go.

"'Allo Graham. You muss follow le traffique and take ze second exit on the left. Yes? We are 500 metres away".

Graham followed their directions faithfully, making sure that he took the correct exit and found himself cycling up a rather steep ramp, which left him feeling a little breathless. To his relief, the ramp became flatter and seemed to be joining a proper road, then suddenly: WOOSSSHHHHH!

A powerful gust of wind almost knocked him off his bike and to Graham's horror, he found himself on a motorway being buffeted by a succession of fast-moving lorries. There didn't seem any way to get off the motorway. Terrified, he stood on the edge of the slow lane, wondering what to do next.

Suddenly, Graham's phone rang: "'Allo Graham. Eet is me again. Do NOT take ze second exit! Comprenez-vous? It is the WRONG exit!"

After a farcical (and very dangerous) half hour spent trying to leave the motorway, Graham eventually found the band and began what turned out to be a very alcoholic weekend. He now plays gigs with them on both sides of the channel.

It's strange how people's lives can change so much, in ways that we could never predict.

In the late 1990s, Graham seemed to have it all. He was earning at least four times as much as me and always seemed to be getting promoted. Evenings were often spent in smart restaurants, dining with the leading lights of international banking, or at the Strangers' Bar at the House of Commons, getting gossip from drunken MPs.

Occasionally Graham would say how depressed he was by the ease of his ascent. He'd never been particularly interested in business publishing and couldn't understand why people at the highest levels accepted him as one of their own. Success bought financial rewards and status, but also increasing levels of stress, boredom and frustration.

I don't know what finally pushed Graham to suddenly hand his notice in and he'd never expressed any interest in visiting Kent, let alone living there, but within the space of a few months he completely transformed his life.

Today, Graham plays the fiddle at folk festivals and private functions, earning just enough to pay the bills and enjoy the occasional trip to India. He lives quite frugally but is completely debt-free and doesn't miss his old life at all.

I'm sure that Graham's example partly gave me the courage and inspiration to change my life. Unlike Graham, I've never had to face the same temptations (although I was made a very attractive offer earlier this year), but it was still hard to take a leap into the unknown.

After saying goodbye to Graham, I sat on the train and looked at BBC News. In a piece about people who died in 2011, I saw these particularly apposite quotes by Steve Jobs:

"Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything - all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice."

I know it's easy to make statements like that when you're the billionaire CEO of a corporation (I'm not sure what the Chinese sweatshop workers who make many of Apple's products would say), but I agree with the sentiments.

I think that next year will be all about putting these ideas into practice.